


Long Day's Journey...

by NorthernStar



Series: Jesse's Journey [5]
Category: Diagnosis Murder
Genre: Case Fic, F/M, Gay Bashing, Homophobia, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthernStar/pseuds/NorthernStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is obsessed with finding Nathan's killer while Jesse struggles to come to terms with his bisexuality</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Day's Journey...

__

The car travelled silently, hugging the bends in the road.Smooth around the corners at first, then the wheel became loose and unresponsive under his hands.

Bleach blond hair filled his vision…

The car spun wildly out of control.

Steer into the skid…

Impact…

Blood splattered across the inside of the windscreen.

Steve screamed.

He found himself sitting up in bed, heart pounding in his chest.The ghost image of Nathan’s crushed and bloodied body fading slowly away as he came awake.

Steve closed his eyes and forced his breathing to slow, his pulse to calm. Another dream… Just another dream…They had begun several nights ago, when the supply of prescribed painkillers had ended and he no longer slept under their influence.He knew the nightmares were natural, a part of the healing process and nothing to be feared.They would stop with time and understanding.

But they always left him to unsettled to sleep again, and he’d learned to hate being awake with nothing but his own thoughts for company.

Steve got out of bed and went into the bathroom.He splashed water on his face and caught his own reflection in the mirror.Tired, lined eyes stared back at him.

Cursing, he returned to bed and lay back down.Jesse’s face surfaced in his mind’s eye, hair full of soap, smelling faintly of apples.Only hours ago, the doctor had caught up with him in the street and words had tumbled from his mouth.Steve had barely understood them; he’d barely understood anything about Jesse the last week or so.

But he did know the young man was at crisis.Facing up to his own tangled sexuality.Steve recognised the fear and the guilt and the discomfort for his own experience.He wanted so much to be there for him… and he couldn’t.

Nathan’s killer was free.

Nathan was gone.

Steve could think of nothing else…

******

Jule looked up at the sound of footsteps approaching.Jesse smiled sheepishly at her.“Hey.”

She grinned back and held her duvet up.“Join the glum club.”

Jesse sat on the sofa next to her and pulled the covers around himself.“I hate  midnight brooding by myself.”

Jule rested her head on his shoulder.“Steve?”

“Yeah.I made a fool of myself today.”

“Jess, you weren’t a fool.”

“You weren’t there.”He replied.“I asked him about being gay and I think I mentioned you.”

“He needed to hear that.I saw his face when he realised I was staying with you.He was hurting, Jess.He cares about you!”

Jesse rubbed his eyes.“How about we talk about your ‘problem’?”

Jule thought a moment.“How about I put the TV on?”

******

Briggs looked up from the huge pile of dusty files and groaned as he saw who was walking purposefully towards him.Sloan was back.Again.

“Three o clock, on the dot.”Murmured Bayder.

Briggs shot the junior an ugly look.Much as he hated the sight of Sloan and the mere mention of his name right now, he did understand his frustration.Sitting on your arse all day while someone else tracked down the bastard who’d nearly killed you, couldn’t be easy.If their situations were reversed, he’d be doing what Sloan was doing now.

“Steve.”He said in greeting.“How’s life on the beach?”

Steve ignored the small talk.“Have you found anything?”

“No.”He replied pointedly.“I said I’d call the moment I got something.Remember?”

“I was in the area.”

Briggs recognised that for the out-right lie it was, and sighed.“Look, Steve…I understand, OK?But we’ve nothing to go on.We put watches on the suspects you named as possibles, but to be honest I don’t think any of them has anything to do with this.We’re also watching a few of the dangerous suspects you couldn’t put away, and the ones you did put behind bars are either rotting on death row or under the ground.”

“I didn’t always work homicide.”

“And I’m looking through those files right this moment.”He pointed at the dusty pile at his side.“As soon as I turn up something, I’ll call you.”

“Yeah.I’m sorry.”Steve rubbed his eyes.“I just need to find this guy.”

“We will.”

Briggs watched him leave, tenser than when he had entered.

Bayder leaned over his desk.“Five says he’ll be back tomorrow.”

Briggs sighed.“No bet.”

*******

Jesse drove slowly, the road in front of him barely visible through the pelting rain.Mark had asked him to make this trip, afraid that Steve would do another disappearing trick and get himself in trouble.His friend could not have known the sacrifice he was asking Jesse to make.

That of pride…

Jule’s assurances aside, he knew he had been stupid and short-sighted yesterday in laying his confusion on Steve, when the detective had enough problems of his own.

His car stopped outside of the beach house, but Jesse didn’t get out right away.He sat for a while, gripping the steering wheel, trying to stop the nervous flutter in his chest.

Jesse had not brought a coat, so when he did finally make the decision to get out of the car, it was to make a quick dash up to the door.He had no time to think about what he was doing, and although he made the house in under 30 seconds, he was soaked to the skin by the time he rang the bell.

Steve opened the door and he stood dripping in the hall while Steve fetched a towel.

“Mark asked me to drop by and change your dressings.”He explained, rubbing his hair.

“And so you could baby-sit me, and not let me out of your sight.”

“He’s just worried about you.We all are.”He pulled his clinging wet shirt from his chest.“Ugh!”

“I’ll get you some dry clothes.”

Jesse took off his shoes.“Thanks.”

Jesse followed Steve down to his rooms below the house, wincing as the sticky damp jeans chaffed against his skin.Steve raided his closet and brought out a pair of faded jeans and a T-shirt that would be clingy on a man of his stature.On Jesse, however…

He added a belt to the pile he placed on his bed, then he looked over at Jess.

“Coffee?”He asked.

Jesse nodded and Steve politely left him to dress.He walked into Steve’s bathroom and separated himself from his damp clothes before towelling himself off.Then he returned to the bed, and the lovely dry clothes.

Steve’s clothes…

A tingle ran through him, coming simultaneously as a shameful and exciting shock.

He shrugged into the T-shirt, feeling the soft cotton against his cool skin.It smelled faintly of cologne. Jesse put on the jeans next, rolling up the bottoms and pulling the belt tight around his narrow hips.

Once finished, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. With his damp hair falling over his brow and Steve’s clothes hanging off his lighter build, he looked like a little boy playing dress-up.

The thought breached the tension in him and he began to laugh.

******

Steve checked his messages while Jesse dressed, and swore in frustrated anger when he realised no one had called.He wanted to get out there, investigating.He wanted to find Nathan’s killer and make him pay.

He wanted to ravish Jesse and had since the moment he’d seen the way his wet shirt had clung to his chest.

“What do you think?”

Steve looked around at Jesse’s voice.The young doctor stood engulfed in one of Steve’s shirts with the faded jeans riding low on his hips.

He chuckled and handed the young man a steaming cup of coffee.

They sat down on the sofa and talked about sports and surfing for a while, until Jesse got up and fetched his bag.

Steve spent the next half an hour being poked and prodded and bound.Jesse’s touches, while entirely professional, were careful and tender.Steve smiled at him and Jesse’s cheeks tinted with colour.

The phone rang at that moment, and Steve was out of the chair in a heartbeat.He grabbed the phone, said a tense “Sloan.”

He almost swore in frustration and anger when he heard his father’s voice. _Nathan_ …

“Steve, I wanted to let you know I’m staying at the hospital tonight.The roads are bad and we’ve already had 3 RTA’s.”

“OK.”

“Is Jesse still there?Tell him to use the guestroom.I don’t want him travelling back in this storm.”

Steve was silent a moment.“Yeah, I think that’ll be best, dad.”

He said goodbye and hung up. 

******

Jesse was busy clearing up the used gauze’s and sterile wipes.

“That was my dad.He said he didn’t think you should drive home in this weather.You can stay here tonight.”

“I can’t.”

“Jess, it’ll give us a chance to talk.”

The words hung in the air; finally out in the open.The issue that had been on both their minds and had been dancing around all evening.

“If you want to.”Steve added.“But either way, dad’s right.You shouldn’t go back home.You took a big risk even coming here.”

If only he knew how big….A night… _alone_ …with Steve….

Jesse felt sickness roil in his stomach.Part fear, part relief and part…. something else.Something he really didn’t want to deal with.Ever.It almost felt like excitement, in any and all senses of the word.

He nodded his agreement, not trusting his voice.

Steve smiled; the first truly relaxed and happy one Jesse had seen since Nathan’s death.And he knew, if only for that reason alone, he had made the right decision.

******

Steve made a simple pasta dish as a late supper.They sat at the table with the curtains open and the lights low so that they could watch the rain lash against the window and the large waves crash up on the shore.

Jesse stared out while he eat, unaware he himself was being watched.That torrid sea out there was much like his own feelings, battered and angry and destroying.

“Its beautiful,” he murmured.

“So are you.”The whisper was just at his ear.

Jesse shivered and turned his head.Steve was sitting so close to him, and yet it didn’t feel intrusive, just natural.The jangle on his nerves had nothing to do with discomfort.

******

Steve studied Jesse’s face.His delicate features and clear eyes, the faint suggestion of freckles across his nose…cheeks that dimpled.He was so lovely, it was almost cliché.Except Steve knew the brave, determined, caring soul beneath that threw his surface beauty into the shade.

Jesse’s blush subsided with his initial shock.“Thank you.”He said, for want of anything better to say.He scooped up the dishes to take to the sink, creating some much-needed distance between them.

Steve understood his actions.Jesse was still afraid of his feelings, still confused about their meaning.He didn’t want to push.

And he didn’t want to be pushed.Nathan’s presence in his life had been brief and not as profound as he might have wished, but his absence hurt more than he’d ever believed possible.And everything that had happened since, learning that he’d been murdered, that someone out there was still free, still hunting Steve…

It was all so unfinished.He couldn’t let go.He couldn’t grieve.

And he couldn’t simply place Jesse in Nathan’s place as if they were interchangeable.It wasn’t fair – to Jesse, to Nathan’s memory or to himself.He had waited so long to be with Jesse.And right now it felt like he never would.

Pushing aside his thoughts, Steve went into the kitchen to find Jesse at the sink, hands buried in very soapy water, scrubbing the dishes with an almost frightening focus.

“You didn’t need to do that.”He told him.“I could’ve done them tomorrow.”

Jesse concentrated on a piece of baked on grease.“It’s the latchkey kid in me.”He said, “I’d come home from school, make dinner, put mom’s in the oven to keep warm, wash up, watch cartoons, do my homework, go to bed.And if I didn’t, no allowance.”

Steve was appalled.

“I guess it’s left me with a great desire to do dishes before bedtime.”

Steve picked up a tea towel and took up position at his side.He began drying.“It wasn’t like that for me, growing up.Either mom or dad was here when we got home.”

Jesse shrugged.“Different times.”

His casual remark felt like ice for Steve.He generally didn’t like to think about it, but almost an entire generation separated them.And he was… _just about_ …old enough to be Jesse’s father.

He realised Jesse had finished washing and was drying his hands, still talking, “…but just wait ‘til you taste my chilli sauce.”

Jesse obviously waiting for some response.Steve put down the towel.

“Jesse, we need to talk.”

Nonplussed by the sudden change in topic, he grinned.“Traditionally I get to watch cartoons now.”

Steve sighed.“We can do both.”

******

Wile.E Coyote pushed a huge boulder off a cliff, just as the ground beneath him fell away and he too, plummeted to Earth.

Jesse felt a great deal of kinship with that damned cartoon creature at that moment.Both of them had trusted the nice firm ground beneath their feet, only to find themselves falling, failing in thin air with no safety net and no…

“Jess?”

He wrenched his eyes away from the screen.Steve’s face betrayed his own tension.

“Sorry.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, well road-runner stopped to eat some seed and-”

“I meant, yesterday.”He said.“Between us?”

Jesse suddenly found his lap incredibly interesting.His brief, confusing and oh-so-quickly discounted conversation with Jule thundered in his ears. _Bisexual_ …

Was he?Could he be?Did he _want_ to be?Did he even have a choice in the matter?Maybe he could just accept his attraction to men and move on, woman only?He looked up.“I don’t know.”

“You were talking about you?”

A long moment passed, and his stomach felt like it had a thousand snakes coiling inside it.“I was talking about me.”

Steve’s smile grew faint at the admission.Jesse met his eyes, didn’t move when Steve leaned in.Jesse could feel Steve’s breath on his lips, and then his mouth.Steve’s lips coaxed his to part, before moving in to possess Jesse’s slightly open mouth.

Stunned, Jesse froze for a second then he reacted.Kissing fiercely back until Steve forcibly broke the connection.

Jesse felt a thrum of satisfaction at Steve’s confusion, and his own ability to gain the upper hand here.It quickly died and turned into shame at the sight of the sorrow and pain on Steve’s face.

_ Oh shit…Nathan…! _

The detective stood up, putting distance between them.

“Steve, I’m-”

“It’s OK, I shouldn’t have done that.”He took a breath, “it’s late, Jess.”

He turned to leave, and Jesse got up, panicked. “Steve!”

The larger man paused.

“I don’t know what’s happening, but…” Jesse came to stand in front of him.“I know I want to let it.”

******

Steve felt a wave of tiredness wash over him.Nathan…Jesse… Why wasn’t it simple anymore?He wanted to be with Jesse, but he couldn’t do this.Nathan had died, because of him.And if anything happened to Jesse as well…

“Good night, Jesse.”He began to leave, walking slowly.

Jesse took his arm gently, and stilled him.“I don’t think you should be alone.That’s why your dad asked me over tonight.”He swallowed.“Let me stay…with you.”

“You are.”

Jesse forced himself not to shake with nerves.“I mean, really with you.In-in bed.”He swallowed down.“Just to sleep.”

Steve straightened, considered.Then nodded.

He led Jesse downstairs.Steve’s bed was wide and comfortable looking, covered in a green plaid duvet.

He looked at Jesse.“Are you sure?”

“No.”He replied honestly.“But I’m still doing this.”

Steve unbuttoned his shirt, surprised to see Jesse watching.The expression on the doctor’s face was frank and open; this was nothing new.Jesse had asked him to strip during numerous health checks.It became a matter of macho pride, stripping emotionless and efficiently.

He left his boxers on and disappeared into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he came out, he found Jesse anally folding his clothes _just so_.The young man’s fair complexion did nothing to hide the extreme blush colouring his entire face from his hairline down to his chest and to the very tips of his ears.

Steve got into bed and was treated to the sight of Jesse’s trim, brief covered backside bobbing deliciously behind him as he went into the bathroom.He laid back and listened to the sounds of his friend washing and brushing. Simple sounds, but deeply satisfying and quickly treasured.

The memory of Nathan flooded his senses and he gasped.Sick guilt made him curl onto his side, facing away from the empty space behind him.

The space Nathan had taken and Jesse was about to claim.

*****

Jesse washed his face for a third time and considered re-brushing his teeth.But that was only putting off the inevitable.

He really couldn’t stay all night in the bathroom.

He switched off the light and went into the darkened bedroom.Steve’s large frame was a shadowy lump on the left side of the bed.Jesse walked around to the right side and slipped between the covers.He lay back, hearing his heart thumping loudly in his chest.

Nothing happened.

Jesse shifted a little.Wriggled to get comfortable.

And nothing happened.

“Night, Steve.”He murmured.

“Night.”

Still nothing happened.

He closed his eyes and did his best to imagine sheep to count.

And still nothing happened.

Jesse tossed a little, hit the pillow in frustration.

******

Steve turned over to face Jesse.The young doctor had sat up and was half-heartedly pumping up his pillow.He looked lost. 

“Jesse?”

His friend obviously had no idea what to say.A speechless Jesse was a sight to behold.And then he realised what was wrong and his revelation thundered through his head.

_ He doesn’t have a clue! _ Jesse was the classical virgin bride. 

Steve chuckled.

Jesse’s embarrassed flush became the colour of anger.

“I’m sorry.”He soothed.But the moment had been ruined and Jesse got out of bed.

“I think its better if I go across the hall.”

“Jess…” He caught his wrist and coaxed him back onto the bed.“Jesse, what is it?”

“I just…wanted to know.What it’s like…sleeping, like this.”He admitted.“But I’m scared.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.You’re not ready. _I’m_ not ready.”He paused.“I shared this bed with Nathan.I don’t want you to go, but I won’t stop you.”

Steve lay back and waited.After a moment, Jesse laid at his side.

******

Jesse settled on his back, knowing he couldn’t sleep like that.Steve’s body felt warm along his side and after a few minutes, Steve’s hand stole over his stomach.Warm flesh sliding over his own.He went rigid with surprise, but after a moment he relaxed and enjoyed the sensation.Lips pressed against his shoulder and he turned his head.Steve’s face was a hairs breath from his own.

“Night.”Steve whispered and the detective closed his eyes.

Time passed, and Steve’s breathing evened out in slumber.Jesse’s spine protested at the unfamiliar position it was in.He preferred sleeping on his side, and occasionally stomach.

Stomach was out, of course.And sides…

Facing Steve would be…odd.Facing away would be…well; it would be like assuming the role the women he’d slept with had held.The cuddled, the protected…And he didn’t like the idea he might enjoy it.

But the night wore on and his back began to ache.

Oh to Hell with it…

He turned; Steve murmured in his sleep, shuffled closer.Steve’s chest brushed up against Jesse’s back and the curve of the detective’s groin fit so perfectly around Jesse’s posterior.Legs tangled, arms tightened and he found himself cuddled and protected more fiercely than he’d ever experienced before.

And once the initial shock had worn off…he did start to like it.

Jesse lay content for a long while, aware of Steve’s body surrounding him, drifting somewhere on the edge of sleep.Half-awake, he brushed his lips against the comforting arm, inhaled the musky scent.His cock hardened at the smell and feel and he whimpered in surprise.

The sound and the touch of Jesse’s lips roused Steve.He pulled Jesse closer.The movement caused his heated flesh to slide beneath the fabric of his briefs, creating delicious friction.His length ached.

Maybe his ragged breathing gave him away, but Steve’s hand began to move slowly, making circles on his stomach.The hand stole lower with every circuit until a finger brushed the bulging fabric and the hand stilled in surprise.

Jesse felt a kiss on the back of his neck, offering simple reassurance.Then the hand nudged its way into Jesse’s briefs.Fingers gripped him and he was unable to halt the frightened noise he made at the sensation.The hand pulled back immediately.More kisses rained onto his neck.Steve’s warmth began to retreat.

“Steve…” he whispered desperately and he was pulled back into Steve’s chest.The fingers slowly slipped back and freed him from his briefs.

A moment passed…and then the hand moulded into a ring, surrounding him.Began to stroke, slowly, gently, undemandingly…

Jesse dug his hands into his pillow at the sensations coursing through him.His hips wanted to thrust, wanted a sheath in which to bury, but he forced his body to stay rigid.

The feelings grew, quickly overwhelmed him, no longer pleasure, but aching torturous pain.His chest felt tight, like he couldn’t breathe.

He wanted to come.He was ready to come.He _needed_ to come.

But he couldn’t.

With a cry, he pushed Steve away, stumbling from the bed.His feet caught in the bedding and he fell heavily.

“I can’t…” He gasped, “I can’t…”

******

Steve was at his side in an instant.“Jesse?”

Jesse flinched at the touch, refusing to look at Steve.“I can’t…”

The room was chilled and the faint sounds of the lashing rain whispered in the background.Steve shivered.“Its OK.”He murmured.“Come on.”

He helped Jesse up; relieved to see the young man’s swollen flesh had softened.He put Jesse in the bed, saw a faint glitter on his cheeks from frustrated tears.He kissed his brow.

“I’m sorry,” he told him, feeling a deep well of guilt of his actions.He had let his emotions take over and Jesse had been hurt because of it.That fact that he had not meant to bring Jesse pain, only pleasure, counted for nothing.Jesse had been hurt, and he had caused it.

Never again.

He lay down beside Jesse, and stared up at the ceiling.The doctor curled into his side.And after a while, the doctor slept.

Sometime shortly before dawn, Steve did too.

******

By morning the storm had passed and Mark was able to get back to the beach house, looking forward to a long soak in the bath, followed by hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Mark was relieved to see Jesse’s car parked next to Steve’s truck.He found Collins case notes concerning Nathan’s murder scattered on the table, with a list of scribbled names in Steve’s handwriting.He sighed when he saw it.Steve’s focus on the case was almost frightening. 

Struck by a paranoid…No, knowing his son, a not so paranoid need to make sure Steve wasn’t out there somewhere tracking the killer, he went down to Steve’s room and opened the door.

Steve was there, sleeping peacefully.

And he was not alone.

Mark felt his stomach lurch in shock when he recognised the tousled, honey haired head next to his son’s.

Jesse…

He closed the door and returned to the kitchen.While he had long ago reconciled his feelings over Steve’s choices, this still came as a shock.All of Steve’s lovers had been younger, smaller…Jesse fit the pattern.But Jesse was… _Jesse_.

Mark rubbed his tired eyes and began to make himself some cocoa.This was one more complication Steve didn’t need.

“Dad?”

He turned at his son’s voice, surprised to see Steve standing there in a hastily pulled on pair of jeans.Mark realised he must have woken him.

“Dad…I, um…”

Mark sighed.“You don’t have to explain.”

The phone rang at that moment, stopping anything that might have been said.Steve’s head snapped around at the sound and he was over the room in a second.He snatched up the receiver.“Sloan.”He snapped.

Mark watched the colour drain from Steve’s face as he listened.When he hung up, Mark frowned.“Steve?”

“Its Collins.”He said, “He’s been murdered.”

****

** ****2**** **

Steve pulled up at the crime scene and flashed his badge as he ducked under the yellow ‘police line’ tapes.Mark hurried to keep up with him.

The smell of the burning had hit them the moment they’d arrived and as they got closer to the smouldering car, the air was acrid.

Amanda was kneeling beside a blackened lump that the emergency services had removed from the twisted, burnt wreckage of Collins Volvo.

“What have you found?”Steve demanded.

Amanda shared a look with Mark, but answered his question.“Not much.I’ll have to get him back to my lab to be sure, but I’d say, just from the preliminary examination, that he was alive when he got into the car.There’s no puncture wounds or broken bones that I can see.Nothing to suggest he was dead when the car exploded.”

“Exploded? You think it was a bomb?”

“That would be consistent with the massive burns and shrapnel found on the body.”

“You’re sure its Collins?”

“Again I’d have to check dental records to be sure, but I believe this is a male, approximately five foot eleven inches tall.”

Mark nodded.“That does describe Ishmael.”

Steve stood up, angry.“And this is his car and it’s parked outside his apartment.I’m going to interview some of his neighbours.”

Briggs stepped in front of Steve.“This is not your investigation, you’re still on leave.”

“Get out of my way.”

“Go home, Sloan.”

“Collins died in his car.Someone put a bomb in it.This could be connected to Nathan’s death!”

“That’s a possibility.”Briggs said, “which is another good reason for you to get the hell out of here.Your presence could jeopardise this investigation!”

His father lay a hand on his arm.“Steve, he’s right.”

“So you think there is a link?”

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Dammit, Briggs, I need to know!”

Briggs swore quietly.“I don’t know, OK?”He shook his head, calmer now.“Steve, you’re not thinking clear.I have to wait for the forensic report before I can make any assumptions…you know that.”

“Off the record then.”

The other detective sighed, “yes, I think there’s a connection.Now do yourself a favour, stay out of this.”

Mark felt his heart sink.He knew his son to well; that wasn’t about to happen.

******

Jesse awoke in a strange bed, alone.Steve’s bed.Memories of last night crept out of the shadows in his mind and assaulted him.He pushed them away quickly.

“Steve?”He called, but received no answer.He slipped out of bed and padded out, through the door and out into the main house.

No-one.

“Steve?”

He found a hastily scribbled note on the table with his name inelegantly scrawled at the top.He recognised Steve’s writing.

_ ‘Jesse, _

_ Got called in.Help yourself to breakfast and some clothes.We’ll talk soon, _

_ S.’ _

An ugly sickness spread through him and he felt more vulnerable than at almost any other moment in his life.Angry, but not sure at what, or whom, he grabbed his jacket and bag, shrugged on some clothes and threw everything in the back of his car.He didn’t want to face anyone, ever again.

_ ****** _

__

Devetti watched the house, admiring the beautiful building work.It was gorgeous, old and well crafted, made in during the days people cared about beauty and purity.

He glanced at the can of gasoline beside him, with a small scrappy detonator duct-taped to the top.It was a study in ugliness compared to the grandeur of the beach house.He really didn’t want to do this.

Devetti cursed himself for respecting things too much.He always had.People who deserved respect, got respect and it was the same with buildings

Movement caught his eye.Someone left the house.

Devetti frowned.He hadn’t realised there was anyone home.He had waited until Sloan and his father had gone to approach the house this much.He ducked down, even though he knew he was unlikely to be seen from this angle and watched the man through his rear-view mirror.

It was the kid from the other day; the one Sloan had put the moves on despite the boy’s obvious distress.Devetti saw the kid’s pallid skin and realised he looked almost…scared?

The former detective felt sick.Sloan wasn’t just a fag, he was a corrupter.

The kid’s car pulled away and Devetti sat back up.He cast a glance back at the beautiful old house.He hadn’t wanted to do it anyway.

At least, not today…

He started his car and began to follow the boy.

_ ****** _

__

Mark followed his son back to the truck, watching the way Steve was scanning the small crowd of gawking spectators.He saw his son’s shoulders tense and realised he’d recognised someone.Steve kept on walking, making a show of returning to his truck to allay Briggs suspicions should the detective be watching.

At the truck, Steve suddenly veered off, heading towards a rail-thin man in a ‘Rolling Stones’ shirt.The man didn’t look too concerned at being spotted so Mark simply followed his son.

“Sloan, your department owes me.Colly got toasted before he could pay me.”He said.

“You saw Collins before he died?”Steve demanded.

“Would I be poor if I had?”

Mark frowned.“You’re an informant?”

The man snickered.“Prefer to think of it as concerned citizenship.”

“A concerned citizen who gets paid.”Steve said.“What did you come here to tell him?”

“Even Colly never got a freebie.”

Steve reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet.He took out a twenty.

“Someone just grilled Colly until he was well done.It’ll take a hellva lot more than that.”

Steve scooped all the notes and held them out.

“Steve…” Mark warned.

The informant shook his head.“Grilled!

Steve grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him up against the wall.“What did you see!”

Mark grabbed his son’s arm.“Steve!”

He shook the man.“Tell me!”

“Nothing!”

“Sloan!”Briggs pulled him off the thin man, stood between them.“Get the hell out of here or I’ll have your badge!”

Mark coaxed his son away.“Steve, come on.I need to get to the hospital.”

__

*****

Steve drove through the traffic, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, arms rigid.His father watched him, concerned, wishing he didn’t have an eight-hour shift to complete.He could only hope Steve was thinking clearly enough to heed Briggs’ warning.

They pulled up at Community General and got out.Mark was relieved when his son followed him into the hospital, probably to see Jesse, who was also working the day shift this week.

Mark was called away the moment he set foot on the fourth floor, leaving Steve to make his way to the cafeteria.

******

__

“I’m sorry about this morning.”

Jesse opened his eyes at the voice.He rolled over on the sofa, too exhausted to get up.It was Steve, standing in the doorway of the doctor’s lounge, shoulders slumped and eyes shadowed.Looking every bit as bad as Jesse felt.

He sat up, feeling awkward and stupid.Like a high-school girl stood up on prom night.“It’s OK.” 

But it wasn’t.And this very public place was hardly the place for ‘morning-after’ apologies and reassurances.Jesse just wanted out of there, and judging from Steve’s serious face, he wasn’t about to get his wish.

“There was a murder.One of my colleagues.I had to go.”

“Like I said.Its OK.”

Steve stepped into the room, shut the door behind him.“And I’m sorry for…what happened.We shouldn’t have…” His jaw tightened.“It won’t happen again.”

Humiliated, Jesse reddened.“I didn’t…I tried…I’m sorry!”

Steve shook his head, realising the misunderstanding.“Not you, Jess.Me.Us.”

“But I…”

“We can’t!Its too dangerous.”

Jesse reached out to him.“Steve…?”

The detective pushed him gently back.“It’s not working.It can’t work.”

And he walked out.

******

Steve hated himself for the pain he’d seen on Jesse’s face.But it was for the doctor’s safety.Whoever was doing this was getting closer all the time.Jesse could be caught in the crossfire or he could be equally destroyed by Steve’s death.

Either way, he would be hurt more than by a few words.

And like all good painful words, most of it was the truth.It wasn’t working.

Was it?

Frustrated, loathing himself, he left the hospital and headed for the precinct.

Briggs flatly refused to speak with him about the case, and the resulting yelling match brought their captain out of his office.He took Steve back into his office and sat the detective down.

“You really wanna kiss goodbye to your badge, lieutenant?”

“No.”

“Then back off!Let Briggs do his job.He’s a good cop.”

“With all due respect, I can’t back off.Collins was killed; someone tried to kill me.This is my case, I’m part of it!”

“You’re personally involved.Don’t make me suspend you.”The captain’s voice was even, in contrast to Steve’s fire.“And I will.To protect this investigation.We were lucky Collins’ informant was still willing to make a statement after that stunt you pulled.And you’re damned lucky he didn’t have you up on assault charges.”

Steve straightened in his chair.“Statement?He ID’ed someone?”

His captain considered for a moment, then relented.“Just a description.Fits about half the population of LA so don’t get excited.He saw someone bending over Collins’ hood.”

“I want-”

A knock at the door interrupted him.

“Come.”

Briggs sauntered in with Bayder at his heals.“Sir.”

Steve stood up.“You’ve got something?”He demanded.

Briggs looked pointedly at his captain who nodded.“Go ahead.”

“We’ve been checking names of all the paroled bastards Collins put away.Short list,” he snorted.“Well, shorter than yours, Sloan.But one name stood out and with a connection to Steve.”

“We never worked together.”Steve said, “Collins wasn’t homicide.”

“Never worked officially.Remember the Bay Gays case a few years back?”

The captain sighed.“Cost the department a lot of face when one of our own was the supplying the information.”

Steve grew cold.“Devetti…”

“He was released a couple of mouths ago.Parole board went soft on him out of sympathy.He wasn’t all that popular in jail.”

Bayder shuddered.“Cops aren’t.Whatever keeps you on the straight and narrow.”

Their captain nodded.“Sounds like a motive for murder.”

“So why didn’t you come up with his name earlier?”

“We were looking at your cases.Your collars.Devetti’s was Collins.”

“Bring him in.”

******

****

** Night… ** _ _

__

The darkness concealed him as he waited.Watched…

Devetti hated the plain, ugly condo.Such an empty, soulless building.Like the boy’s eyes…

Too young to know the things he knew.Devetti had been young once.And empty and scared…

He understood; he knew the pain the young man was going through.

He knew he could take the pain away.

Devetti put down the gasoline.

Ugly building…

He could take that away too…

*******

Steve got out of the squad car, feeling the cool press of night air around him.Bayder was at his side.Babysitting.The junior didn’t look any happier about it than Steve was.

Steve pulled out his gun, started tofollow Briggs and Kim.

Bayder grabbed his arm.“Briggs doesn’t want you anywhere near him.”

“I’m going in there, Dylan.”

“He didn’t want you along at all.”Bayder stood in front of him.“Steve, listen!”

“Screw you!”And he pushed past the young detective.

Steve caught up with Briggs, who had already kicked the door in and discovered Devetti’s apartment was empty.Steve went in, ignoring Kim’s calls.

Devetti’s small home was as unkempt as the man himself, and just as deranged.Briggs looked up from his quick, methodical search of Devetti’s belongings.

“Get the fuck out, Sloan.”

Steve wrenched open a drawer and began rifling through it.“I’m in this investigation!”

“You know, if I didn’t hate you already, I think I-” His voice snapped off and Steve was over at his side in a second.

“What is it?”

“I think I know this address.”He said, “can’t remember where.”

Steve snatched it from him and went cold.“I gave you this as a contact, in case I wasn’t at home or at Community General.”He began for the door.“Its Jesse’s address!”

******

Devetti watched the condo, and waited.And he remembered.Sloan, mostly…A good cop.He remembered the way the man had worked, the way he had laughed, the way he had steered his car out of an almost certain fatal crash.

And the way he had held the short, blond kid.The same kid who at that moment was getting out of his convertible as Devetti watched.

*******

The sirens blared around him, reached inside him, louder even than his heartbeat.Or the single word that repeated over and over in Steve’s head.

_ Jesse. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse…. _

__

********

Devetti smiled at the sound of reds.It took him back to the days when he’d been a cop, good days…

He started the car, drove out onto the main road.His car passed by the speeding police car, unnoticed.Just another citizen taking a ride.

He glanced in his rear-view mirror, watched the police cars screech to a halt.A man flung open a door and ran towards the condo.

Devetti smiled.Sloan… Perfect.

The windows of the condo blew out, spitting tongues of flame, knocking Sloan to the tarmac.

****

** ***3*** **

A paramedic was tending Steve when Mark arrived.He checked his son over himself, noting with relief that the burns on the left side of his face and on the palms of his hands were only first degree and would heal without scars or damage.

His son just stared into space, not flinching as Briggs explained what had happened.Jesse’s car, flecked with debris, parked outside the condo told Mark the rest.Silent tears had coursed down his cheeks and he’d held his son, taking as much comfort as he gave. 

The emergency services gradually brought the raginginferno under control.The residents wandered just beyond the police lines, more worried about their own property and belongings than caring that a young life…two young lives, Mark realised, seeing Jule’s car right next to Jesse’s, had been snuffed out.

Amanda appeared in the condo’s doorway, walking behind a stretcher baring a large bodybag.Tears ran freely down her cheeks and it seemed all she could do to keep walking.

Mark smoothed his son’s hair and murmured, “I’ll be back,” before heading towards the pathologist.

Amanda’s composure crumbled when she saw him and he found himself clutching her shaking form even before he realised she leaned in for comfort.He held on to her tightly; she wept cleanly, easily… The grief just pouring out in a way Steve was denying himself and Mark had yet to find.

Eventually, she pulled back.“We found…them” She whispered and drew a shaky breath.“At least he wasn’t alone.”

Mark heard how much comfort she took in that idea, but found he still had to ask.“What do you mean?”

“They were together.In the bed.”She looked down.“They were so badly burned I didn’t know it was two bodies at first.”

Mark hugged her briefly.He saw Steve over her shoulder, walking stiltedly towards the coroner’s wagon and the bag containing what little was left of Jesse.

Mark released Amanda and hurried over.He just managed to catch his son’s hand before he made contact with the bodybag.

“Steve…Steve!We need to get you checked over.”

Steve looked down at the gauze around his hands.“No…I need…”

Mark began leading his unresisting son away.“Come on…”

******

****

** Morning… **

Briggs eyed the cats in the old ladies condo.Lots of cats, all sizes, all colours, all breeds.He silently thanked God he didn’t have an allergy.

“Here we are.”The woman said, bringing a tray of tea condiments out of the kitchen and putting them on the coffee table.“Dreadful business.But at least the noise and the smoke didn’t worry my cats.And all those flames!”

Briggs hated wasting time.“Your neighbour?”He prompted.

“Oh yes.Tragic.”She said, pouring the tea.“Jesse was such a good boy.Fed my cats while I was in hospital.And always so polite.His girlfriend too, lovely girl.”She sighed and offered him cake.“My mother, God rest her, she always said the good die young.It’s so true.”

Briggs still hated wasting time.But he took a piece of cake.“You said you had some information for me.”

“Mmm, well, you know, I never like to pry…”

Briggs smiled.“Of course.”

“No, but as I was watering my cacti, in the morning this was, I saw a man sitting in a car, and he was there again yesterday evening.”

“What was he doing?”

“Just staring at the house.That’s why I noticed.Jesse hadn’t mentioned he was selling the condo and didn’t fancy him for a neighbour.”

“You didn’t report this?”

She shook her head.“There’s no crime in looking.”

Which was fortunate for her, Briggs thought.“Can you describe him?”

“Oh yes.Dark looking, but not black or Asian.Lots of hair, most untidy.”

“And the car?”

“Red,” she said, thinking.“I’m afraid I don’t know my cars well, but I did get the license plate.”

Briggs stood up, not knowing whether to kiss the woman for the information, or kill her for keeping it out of the conversation as long as she had.

He decided saying only on one thing before he left.“The cake was a little dry.”

********

The hospital had admitted Steve for the night, just for observation.Mark was relieved at this, not wanting his son to enter the pathology lab.He sat with him all night, while he slept under the influence of a mild sedative.He left him only once, in the care of one of the nursing staff while he went to see Amanda.

The pathologist was bending over a blackened lump that was only vaguely recognisable as human.She was speaking into a recorder as she worked.

Amanda paused her monologue when she saw Mark.He looked sadly down at the body on the slab.

“Its Jule.”She whispered.

“You’re sure?”

Amanda nodded and reached into a bowl on the table beside the body.“I still have to check dental records to be sure, but I found this around her neck.”She held out a half-melted piece of metal.Soot had been rubbed away to reveal it was gold.It was carved into a word, ‘Jule.’

Mark looked down, swallowed.He put the pendent back in the bowl.

“Mark, there’s something else.”

“What?”

“I ran all the standard tests, and I found this.”She held out a clipboard with the result pinned on the front.Mark read them, his frown deepening with every word.

“She was pregnant.”Amanda said.“About 8 weeks.”

Mark closed his eyes and felt every one of his years weighing on his shoulders.

“She never mentioned a boyfriend so…”

Mark sighed.“Jesse.”

Amanda nodded.“Its possible.Mark, what is it?”

“Steve and Jesse…” he trailed off.“Call me if you find anything else.”

“I will.”

__

******

Steve was beginning to loathe the sight of the little nurse his father had persuaded to baby-sit him.Mai Lana was barely five foot tall, thin as a reed, but could stand up to him like nobodies business.

Briggs had phoned at  eight am , surprising Steve with his consideration, and told him that they’d put an APB out on Devetti and the car, and Truman and Sykes were watching Devetti’s apartment.Another pair of plainclothes officers were watching the beach house.Briggs sounded hopeful that something would turn up.Finding one man in a city of millions was akin to finding a needle in a haystack but at least they had a target now.

His father interrupted his thoughts.“How are you doing?”

“Anxious to get out of here.”

Mai did her best to look affronted.“And here was me thinking you liked my company.”

Mark took his son’s hands and began to remove the gauze covering his palms.He cleaned the burns and inspected the healing flesh, remembering Brigg’s calm and frightening explanation of how Steve had received them.

Steve, stumbling from concussion and shock, desperately clawing at the condo door to get inside.

Briggs and Bayder had had to pull him away, while he screamed and yelled for someone to help his friend.

Tears stung Mark’s eyes at the mental image Brigg’s words had left him with, and he looked down, wanting to save Steve the added pain of witnessing his father’s pain.

Steve knew him too well and moved his hands to grip his dad’s.“I need to get out of here.”

His tone worried Mark.Steve’s face was tight and lined with determination.

“We’ll go together.”Mark said.“My shift ends in a couple of hours.”

Steve got out of bed and began shrugging on a shirt.“Then I’ll call a cab!Dad, I need to do this!”

“Steve…”

“He killed Jesse!”Steve’s voice cracked with barely controlled emotion.At the moment it was anger.How soon would it give way to deep and scaring grief?“Our Jesse…Nathan…Collins… Jule…We can’t let him do it again?”

“He wants you dead, Steve.”

“And he doesn’t care who gets hurt in the crossfire.What if its you next time?Or Amanda?CJ?”He began for the door.

Mark blocked his path.“Are you sure that’s the reason?”He asked.“Or are you just after revenge?”

Steve pushed past him.“I want justice.”He said, and walked out the door.

*******

Devetti checked his watch.Soon - he would have to get back soon.But he had time, for the moment, to watch.And wait.It was a skill he had perfected when working as a cop, all those long boring stakeouts at the dead of night.And later honed and polished while the days and weeks and months passed in prison.

Waiting was an art form.

Sloan walked out the hospital and Devetti smiled.He watched him cross the parking lot to his truck, trailing a uniform who was probably supposed to be guarding him.He wrenched open the door, got in and drove forcefully off.

*******

Steve returned to the beach house for a change of clothes, and pick up some things.He saw the green undercover car sitting on the corner, sticking out like a sore thumb.

He pounced on the files and called Bayder at the precinct for an update.The only thing he had to report was that Devetti’s car was hired under the name “Vincent Locarno” and had been found burned out on route nine.Inquiries were in progress along the road.

Steve then went down to his room for a quick shower and change.Entering his bedroom felt like being hit by a truck.The bed was hastily made, from Jesse’s departure, and the clothes he’d leant the doctor were still draped on the back of his chair.

Steve picked up the T-shirt, crushed the softness in his hands.He held it to his nose and breathed in.There was a faint muskiness.

Jesse…

The ghost feel of the young man’s body rose up in his memory, surrounded him and he was lost to sorrow.

******** 

“Mark!”

The doctor turned at the yell.Amanda was racing towards him, still dressed in green scrubs.Her eyes were bright.

“Amanda!What is it?”

“Jesse!”She cried.“I’m doing the autopsy on Jesse-”

“Amanda…”

“It’s not him, Mark!” her breathes came in gasps.“The body.It isn’t Jesse!”

****

** ****4**** **

__

Light streamed in the window, warm against his back.Yellow-gold, evening sunshine.There was soft cotton beneath his cheek, pain in his head.Nausea.

Jesse rolled onto his back and blinked in the brightness.He remembered footsteps and the sudden sensation of being pulled backwards.The acrd smell of chloroform and something scratching his arm.

Jesse lifted his arm; it flopped about uncoordinated, feeling ten times heavier than it should be and like it belonged to someone else.He saw a couple of bruises, surrounding tiny pinprick scabs.

His head fell back, arm going completely slack.He tried to concentrate on the sunlight, but it dimmed and he was pulled back down a deep and sickening tunnel.

******

Amanda pointed to the x-rays.Mark frowned at the fuzzy pictures of teeth and jaw.

“This is Jesse’s, taken last year after that root canal.”She smiled at the memory, “and that’s what I’ve just got back from radiology.They’re completely different.”

Mark nodded.“Jesse hasn’t called in today.His car was outside the condo.”

“And someone would’ve recognised him if he’d been admitted here.”

“I’ll call the other hospitals.”Mark said, and closed his eyes in relief.“After I call Steve.”

“You’d better call Briggs too.It’s possible whoever’s after Steve is using Jesse as bait.”

“The important thing is, he’s alive.”Mark pulled Amanda into a fierce, joyous hug.“He’s alive!”

******

It was dark when Jesse woke again.His head felt clearer, and the thumping ache had dulled to a constant pounding.His body didn’t feel so heavy or so alien to him.

As he came to full wakefulness, he sensed he wasn’t alone.He opened his eyes to see a man with dark, shaggy hair and olive skin staring benevolently down at him.

“Shhh, its OK.”He murmured, “you’re all right.You’re safe.I rescued ya.”

__

*******

Steve woke.He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but he’d cried until his chest ached and his throat was raw.And then he’d tumbled into an exhausted sleep.

He got off the bed, angry with himself for indulging in sorrow.He’d wasted valuable time.Time he could have spent finding the bastard who was stealing the lives of his lovers.

He scooped up what he’d come for, the one picture he had of Devetti, receiving an accommodation at the same ceremony as he had, and left the house.

The phone rang behind him, but he didn’t hear.

********

The man held out a glass of water.Jesse sat up, forcing his stiff limbs to move.A wave of dizziness took him and it was all he could do to keep from falling backwards.

“Drink.”The man said.

Jesse eyed the glass suspiciously.He hadn’t had anything to drink for hours and he was probably dehydrated, but he knew what the marks on his arm indicated, and he couldn’t trust that the water was pure.He was weak enough as it was without adding to that by swallowing more drugs.

“It’s OK.”The stranger encouraged.“Go on.”

Jesse’s tongue felt like sandpaper and he swallowed dryly.“After you.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

He shook his head.

The man looked disappointed.“Oh well.”He put the glass on the bedside cabinet.“It’s there if ya want it.”

Jesse forced himself not to look at it.Clear and cool, it would feel so lovely on his dry throat. But he couldn’t take the risk.

The man continued to sit on the edge of the bed, apparently unarmed and unthreatening.Jesse could see that the door behind him was temptingly ajar but while nothing seemed wrong, his own gut instinct was telling him he was a prisoner.

“Who are you?”He asked, pulling his eyes away from the door, which was every bit as alluring as the glass, and probably just as stupid to use. 

The man smiled.“Carlo.”He said, “it’s Jesse, ain’t it?”He dug into his jeans pocket and pulled out a piece of plastic.Jesse’s ID.“Has anyone ever told ya, you look too young to be a doctor?”

“All the time.”

“Well, it’s true.”Carlo assured him.Then his eyes darkened.“Truth is very important to me.”

The sudden change in his demeanour sent a shiver down Jesse’s spine and he fought to hide his fear.“What…” Jesse searched for the right thing to ask.“Why am I here?”

“I told you.I saved you.”

“You’re keeping me prisoner!”He regretted it the moment the words were out of his mouth.

Carlo didn’t react with the anger Jesse expected.“Not at all.You’re a guest.”

“Then I’m leaving.” Jesse said, shuffling forward to swing his feet over the side of the bed.

The man still didn’t make any attempt to contain him.“That really ain’t very wise, son.It’s late and it’s easy to get lost ‘round here.”

Jesse pushed himself to his feet.“I’ll take my chances.”He wobbled a bit but found his balance.

“We’re miles from anywhere, Jesse.You ain’t dressed for hikin’ and I don’t think you’re in any fit state to go wanderin’ around in the dark.Look at ya, you can hardly stand!”

Jesse glanced at his arm and the telltale pinpricks.“What did you put in me?”

Carlo ignored his question and stood out of Jesse’s way.“If ya wanna leave I ain’t gonna stop ya.”

Awkwardly, Jesse walked out through the bedroom door.It opened onto a simple elegant wood cabin, with a brick fireplace and comfortable sofa’s. He headed for the front door and found it was barred, but not locked.

“But if I was you, I’d wait until morning.”The man said, watching in amusement as Jesse fumbled with the bar.“I don’t wanna lose ya to the woods.I have a responsibility to you.”

Jesse’s finger’s slipped on the door’s catch and he cursed softly in frustration.He wanted out.Now.

“Why do you keep saying that?”He demanded.“You didn’t save me, you put chloroform over my face and injected me with something.”

Carlo shrugged, almost apologetic.“It was the only way, Jesse.I’m sorry.”

The bar slid back, catching his fingers painfully, but Jesse didn’t stop to nurse them.He yanked open the door and found almost pitch blackness outside.

He didn’t care, breaking into a run.His limbs ached from the excursion after being inactive for so long.

“Shit!” He heard Carlo swear.“Fucking mental…”

And then the man running behind him, eating up the precious yards between them.

There was nothing but trees all around, the direction didn’t matter.Jesse ran blindly, no moonlight filtered down through the canopy above.The only sounds came from crickets and the leaves rustling in the wind.

The man caught him easily, before he’d even gone a hundred yards.Jesse didn’t try to fight.

“See.” He said.“You’d be a fool to walk out here tonight.Stay here, just until mornin’.”

Jesse shook his head.But he knew the man was right.How far was civilisation?And even if it were in walking distance, how would he ever find it in this darkness?He could be lost for days.He could die.At least in the cabin he’d stay alive.A prisoner, but alive.

Jesse nodded, not wanting to hear himself capitulate.

“Good boy.”Carlo crowed.“Come, have a drink with me.”

He began leading Jesse back to the cabin.

__

******

The Grove had changed over the years.The once cop-friendly joint, favoured by Steve’s precinct, had switched owners a couple of years’ back and lost its appeal.Steve wandered in, scanning the crowds.His eyes fell on the table in the corner and his mind flashed back over three years, to a conversation he and Jesse had once had here.

The moment he realised his casual appreciation for his friends looks and personality was more like attraction.How quickly it had turned to love after that.

His heart ached.Jesse…

“Hey, Steve.Haven’t seen you in here for a while.”

Steve jolted out of his thought at the voice.

He recognised the girl behind the bar, but couldn’t think of her name.He knew it was something fluffy and girlie like Candy or Susie or Sandy.

“I’m looking for someone.”

“Bars are the best place for that,” she smiled.“Or the red light if you’re not fussy.”

“I’m fussy.”

“Good.It’s an underrated quality in a man.What’ll it be?”

“I didn’t come here to drink.”

“Everyone comes here to drink.It’s a bar.”

Steve frowned.“Well I came to find-”

“Someone, yeah you said.Look if you don’t order, I can’t talk to you.I got other customers and a cranky boss.”

The detective sighed.“I’ll have a beer.”

“Coming up.”She got a glass.“So who’s this someone?”

“You remember a detective called Devetti, used to come in here when the Shelly’s owned it.”

“Devetti…” She put down his beer and took the note he offered her.

“Tall, dark, hair looked a mess.”He began patting his pockets and finally pulled the picture out of his pocket.“This guy.”

“Oh, him.Bad tipper.”She sniffed.“Not seen him in years either.”

“Do you know where else he drinks?”

“You could try the bar on  Main , opposite the Starbucks.He used to drink there too.Probably still does.I don’t suppose he’s the AA type.”

Steve got up to leave.“Thanks.”

The waitress watched him disappear.“Cops.Bad tippers.”

*******

Carlo sat him on the sofa and went to the cabinet.He took out a large bottle of scotch and two glasses.Jesse watched him, feeling like a fool for agreeing to return and a coward for not continuing on through the woods.

“I don’t drink.”He lied.

“Not even to toast ya rescue?”The man asked, filling the glasses.He swallowed his in one gulp and refilled.“See?It’s fine.You’re so untrusting, Jesse.I guess its natural.You’ve been brain-washed, conditioned, but now you’re safe.”

Jesse refused to allow the man to delude himself.“I’m not safe!I’m a prisoner.”

Carlo simply smiled.“Paranoid, too.Now drink.”

Jesse didn’t move.

“We're gonna toast your freedom, now drink!”He grabbed Jesse’s hand, pushed the glass into his palm and held it there.Jesse was too afraid to move.Carlo clinked his own glass to Jesse’s.“To your freedom!”He proclaimed.“To the right, proper, natural path!”

He drank his sown and forced Jesse’s drink to his lips.The glass pressed painfully until he swallowed down.The liquid felt like fire going down, burning every inch of his oesophagus. The man’s next words turned Jesse to ice.

“Sloan won’t ever touch ya again.”

********

The workers in most of the bar’s Steve visited were suspicious of him.Some even recognising him as a cop.He ended up buy enough beers to start his own brewery to gain any co-operation.He showed the picture of Devetti to everyone he met, asking question, gaining the occasional ladies phone number.

The hours wore on, and Steve trawled from bar to bar, a seemingly endless task.He did find one lead, a co-worker from the hotel where Devetti worked as a porter pointed him in the directionof the Coppa bar across town.

__

******

“Steve!”

Jesse couldn’t stop the panic that overtook him and he scrambled off the sofa, putting distance between him and Carlo.The man didn’t seem disturbed by Jesse’s reaction.

“He’s a fag, ain’t he?”The man murmured with acid in his tone.“It’s not natural.It’s deviant.”His eyes fixed on Jesse’s; raked over him like a piece of meat.He lunged out, grabbed Jesse’s chin.“You deviant, kid?”

Jesse didn’t want to reply, but knew he had too.“No.”

Carlo seemed pleased and his grip softened.“You ain’t no deviant.I can see it.Saw it the first time I saw ya.Sloan’s screwin’ with your head, trying to make you like him, but you ain’t.”His touch was almost tender now.“I know you’re not.”

Jesse didn’t want to listen, but the part of him that couldn’t accept what he was ached to believe Carlo’s words.During his troubled childhood, the only thing he’d had to hold on to was that his tormentors were wrong.He was not gay.

But they’d been right all along, and he hated himself for it.

Carlo’s fingers tensed on Jesse’s skin and he was suddenly angry.“Did he screw with ya body too?”

His mind flashed on the night he and Steve had spent together.But he forced the image away and shook his head.

The man relaxed and Jesse knew that had been the right thing to say.

“You’re a good boy, ya fought him.”Carlo whispered.

He offered Jesse another drink and this time the doctor took it gratefully, swallowing it down to ease the rawness in his throat.Carlo refilled his glass at once and pushed it to Jesse’s lips.He didn’t want to drink too much, but he didn’t dare refuse.

By the fifth glass Jesse felt strange, unfocused.His empty stomach speeding up the time in which he normally got drunk.Carlo kept up his monologue all the while, his voice quiet and reasonable in the background.

“You ain’t gay…” He was saying softly, “Sloan twisted your mind to his ways…”

Jesse’s thoughts were muddled; he couldn’t concentrate.Did Steve do that?

It was so hot in the cabin, made it difficult to breathe.Carlo was close; his hands brushed him.The touches confused him.If he could just have a moment alone, in the cool air, he would be able to think again.

And sometime later, he tumbled into blackness.

******

****

** Morning… **

The traffic was jammed all the way to the coast.Steve hated the morning rush hour, particularly this morning, when it was all that stood between him and the best lead he’d got all night.

The last bar he’d been in had been run by a transsexual called Lola, who’d recognised Devetti at once.She had come on to him some weeks ago and the bastard had beaten her for it.She had been all but begging to help Steve put him away. She gave him the address of a woman on the south side who had the dubious honour of being Devetti’s sometime bed-partner.

*******

Briggs listened for the third time to Mark and Amanda.When they first called him yesterday with this he had a hard time keeping a straight face.Personally he thought the pair of them were delusional, unable to face the rather brutal murder of their friend and were inventing a happy ending for themselves.

But Bayder seemed to believe them and the kid was way smarter than Briggs ever claimed to be.

“Look, I put an APB out on this Travis guy yesterday.If he’s out there wandering the streets, we’ll find him.”

“What if Devetti has him?”Mark asked.

“It’s possible, but I doubt it.”Briggs sighed.“I think its more likely he was injured in the blast and somehow wandered out onto the street and maybe got picked up.Have you checked the other hospitals?”

“That’s the first thing we thought of, but no-one fitting Jesse’s description has been admitted the last couple of days.And besides, Jesse is well known among the profession.They would have recognised him.”

Briggs couldn’t resist.“Not if he were a crisp.”And laughed.

Mark and Amanda didn’t.Nor did Bayder.

Briggs sighed.“Look, Sykes and Truman are following up some leads, I’ll get Travis’s picture to them.If Devetti’s got him, they’ll at least be prepared for the situation.”

“Thank you.”

*****

__

The woman opened the door in a very short bathrobe, with her hair up in a towel.She smiled at the sight of the man on her step.

“Hi.”She purred.“Somehow I don’t think you’re hear to sell me double glazing.And I know it’s not my birthday.”

Steve flashed his badge and she shrugged.“What can I so for you?”

“I’m looking for a man.”

The woman rolled her eyes.“Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.”

“His name if Carlo.Carlo Devetti.”

“Oh him.You have terrible taste in men.”She sighed.“Join the club.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Rotting in hell, hopefully.But probably shacked up with that little whore form the  CoCo club.”

“Where is that?”

She thought a moment.“Of course he could be at the cabin.”

Steve felt his stomach lurch.“Cabin?”

“Yeah about two hours out of town.Nice place.You know, air you can actually breath, that sort of thing.”

“Do you have the address?”

“Sure.I wouldn’t want to obstruct justice or anything.”She smiled.“Particularly if he’s on the end of it.”

******

__

The sound of birdsong awoke Jesse.He was laying face down on the bed in a pool of his own drying vomit; his hair was stuck to his head with lumps of it and sweat.The smell his own feted odour surrounded him and he was almost certain the dampness around his waist meant his bladder had emptied in his stupor.

Jesse groaned.His head ached, and at the slightest blink of his eyes, the pain crested unbearably.He felt sick, but he knew his stomach was too empty to do anything more than retch.

He rolled onto his back, every bone and muscle aching in protest.The bright light seared into his eyes and he threw an arm over his face to shut it out.

He was so thirsty; his lips dry and cracked. He needed water.And he knew he hadn’t eaten in at least a day, maybe more.Who knew how long he’d been there?

Jesse forced himself upright, swinging his legs out.He fell to the floor, crying out when his elbow struck the floor.

Despite his marked physical deterioration, his thoughts were clearer now, his mind more focused. The man, Carlo, had confused him before.About himself, about Steve.

He wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

Jesse staggered to his feet, feeling as wobbly as a newborn calf, and stumbled out of the bedroom.He has to get away.The cabin might be miles from anywhere, but he would rather be lost out there, than in here, in his own mind.

He almost cried out at the sight of Carlo sitting on the sofa, sipping coffee.

Jesse could smell it, almost taste it on the air.His anguish faded away under his need.He’d never wanted anything as badly as that coffee.

“Good morning.”Carlo said, smiling.

Desire overrode any fear, “I want…” Jesse stopped himself.“Please…can I have some coffee?”

The man considered for a moment, then put out another cup and filled it from the pot.He held it out.“You ain’t thanked me yet.”

Jesse’s hand wavered halfway to the delicious liquid.“Thank you,” he breathed.

Carlo pulled it out of reach.“Not for the coffee.”He corrected.“For saving ya from Sloan.”

No longer in a drugged confusion, Jesse’s reaction was immediate.“Go to Hell.”

Devetti threw the coffee in Jesse’s face.The doctor yelped as the scalding liquid burnt his skin.He used his vomit stained shirt to wipe it off, scrubbing until his face was raw.Tiny drops of moisture reached his mouth and he ached for more.As degrading at it was, his thirst pushed him to suck the coffee from his shirt, tasting his own vomit.

Carlo struck him around the head and he fell into darkness.

******

More traffic.Steve’s fingers drummed a beat on the steering wheel.He was so tired, but the unbearable tension in his stomach and the fierce beat of his heart kept adrenaline whizzing around his system.

His mobile rang.The fourth time this hour.He glanced at the screen, with the callers’ ID up.The hospital’s number.

Mark.

He ignored it.But it continued to ring.

*******

The kid was defiant.Now the amytal had worn off, his mind was sharper.He was thinking clearer, thinking like Sloan.The thought made Devetti feel ill.

He looked down at the crumpled form on the floor and thought about shooting him up again.

Jesse moaned, coming around.Devetti sighed and walked across the room to the desk in the corner.He yanked open a drawer and pulled out a roll of fabric.

Jesse had struggled to his knees by the time Devetti returned.He unwrapped the fabric and took out a hypodermic.

Jesse shuttled backwards.

“Don’t fret, its just a little sedative.”Devetti grabbed Jesse’s arm and was amused by the token fight the little doctor put up.His humour ran out when Jesse almost succeeded in knocking the hypodermic from his fingers.Devetti hit him around the head.

The doctor fell heavily, dazed.Devetti took hold of Jesse’s arm, rammed the syringe home and pressed down.

The kid’s body slowly relaxed as the hypodermic emptied.

“Good boy…” Devetti whispered.

****** 

__

“I hate faggots…queers…” The words murmured in the background, mixing and jumbling.Jesse could hear Carlo’s voice, sometimes joined by the schoolyard tormentors that had chased him throughout his childhood.

Sometimes his mother spoke.And in the background his childhood friend Mickey danced, spitting hate.Jesse wanted to sleep, but the voices wouldn’t let him.

“Are you a fag, Jesse?”

No…?Yes?Both?He didn’t want to answer.He wanted to go home.He wanted to see Steve again, or Mark, or Jule.He wanted his mother.

“Have ya ever been with a man?”Carlos’s voice was soft.“It hurts.Like your bein’ ripped open.It’s perverted.”

Was it?It was love, wasn’t it?Was love perverted?It was so hard to think, to concentrate.

“Who would want that?”

Jesse tried desperately to focus his thoughts, but they shifted and evaporated.There was nothing but those words.And the words went unquestioned, as if they were solid truths.If there was no argument then it must be the truth.

“You should thank me.I saved ya from that.”Hands stroked his cheek.“I stopped that bastard from ripping your insides to shreds and makin’ ya one of them.”

Jesse tossed under the stroking, wanting it to stop.The touches seemed to be everywhere, crawling across his skin.Why couldn’t he be left alone?

“It woulda hurt, Jesse.It woulda hurt so much.”Fingers gripped his shoulders and shook him.“D’ya want me to show you?”

Panicked, Jesse kicked feebly and forced air from his chest.“No…!”

“Then thank me!”Carlo demanded and shook him again.“Thank me!”He began backhanding Jesse across the mouth.“Thank me you fuckin’ bastard!”

Blood spurted from Jesse’s nose and he sobbed.His heels dug into the floor and he forced himself backwards, falling, stumbling with heavy limbs.

Devetti grabbed him, began raining blows down, again and again.

Jesse screamed.

******

Steve heard screaming the moment his truck slid to a halt.He propelled himself out and ran, dialling his mobile with one hand as he pulled out his gun with the other.

“It’s Sloan,” he yelled down the phone.“Requesting back up.”He gave the address and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

He reached the cabin just as the cries were silenced.He didn’t wait, kicking the door down and getting into classic cop stance.

Devetti had his back to him, standing over the crumpled body of his victim.

“Freeze!”

Devetti turned with a shout, grabbing the man at his feet and hauling him up.Steve gasped in shock as he recognised who it was.A second later, Jesse was propelled into his arms.Steve caught him, crying out as the seemingly life-less body knocked him off balance.

Devetti lunged for the door and Steve reacted, flinging out his leg.The ex-detective tripped, falling beside Steve, but he recovered quickly, going for Steve’s gun.

Steve pushed Jesse out of the way as gently as he could, blocking Devetti’s blows.He felt Devetti’s hands on his wrist, attempting to wrench the gun free.

The gun fired.

The ex-cop’s body crumpled to the floor in the sudden silence.Steve breathed heavily, his mind struggling to comprehend what had just happened.

He didn’t want to look and see it wasn’t really Jesse.

He didn’t want to look and see it was.And that he’d been moments too late.

A sob broke free from his chest and he collapsed backwards on the floor.Then he closed his eyes, so tight it hurt, and felt across.His fingers found the warm, pale body of his friend and he pulled it into his arms.

It wasn’t real.It couldn’t be real.

Jesse’s head lolled against Steve’s chest.He curved his legs around the doctor and began to rock him; eyes still tightly shut, not daring to look.

******

__

Mark was in the precinct when the call came through.He insisted on accompanying Briggs and the detective was so fed up of Sloan’s he didn’t even bother arguing.He knew he would lose anyway.

Briggs made him stay back with the squad cars while he and a team secured the cabin.When they did call him, Mark was unprepared for the sight that hit him.

Steve was on the floor, clutching a bloody body.Briggs was trying to check for life-signs but Steve’s grip was too possessive.

Mark hurried over and knelt down.He gasped when he recognised who Steve was clutching so tightly.“Steve?”

His son relaxed a little at the sound of his father’s voice, enabling Mark to reach into the cocoon he’d created around the doctor.He felt desperately for a pulse and found it was racing before checking Jesse’s pupil responses.Frowning he took the young man’s arm.

“He’s been drugged Steve, and I’m pretty sure he’s got a concussion..”

His son barely moved, and Mark noticed that his eyes were shut.He squeezed his shoulder.“He’s alive, he’s going to be fine, but we need to get him to hospital.”

Steve murmured something, but Mark couldn’t hear it.“What is it?”

“Jesse…?”Steve’s voice was louder this time.“Is it Jesse?”

Mark nodded, “yes, its Jesse.Now let me help him.”

Steve’s eyes opened and he looked at his father.

Mark saw the fear there.“Steve please!He needs help.”

Steve slowly let go and Mark immediately lay Jesse down and began checking him.“Call an ambulance!”He yelled at Briggs.

“Already on the way.”The detective replied from the other side of the room.He was kneeling by Devetti and looked to Bayder “Better add a wagon to that, Dylan.”

Steve was staring at Jesse, his hand hovering, wanting to touch him but he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing was real.

Jesse moaned and Mark called his name. The young man’s eyes flickered at the sound, but he didn’t respond.

“He’s very dehydrated, and I don’t think we can wait for an IV.”Mark said, “Steve, get me a glass of water and a teaspoon.”

Steve nodded and stumbled to his feet.Bayder helped him up and lead him away.“Kitchen’s over here.”

Mark turned his attention back to his patent.“Jesse?”

The young man’s head rolled to the side.“M-Mark…?”

“It’s OK, Jess.We’re going to get you out of here.”

Steve returned with the water and spoon.Mark took them, filled the spoon and looked at his son.“Hold his head.”

Steve supported Jesse as Mark coaxed him to sip.

******

The ambulance arrived shortly after.Mark had managed to get half the glass into Jesse, but he knew the liquid was too little, too slow.Jesse needed salts as well as water, and intravenously, and he was relieved when the EMT’s put in a saline drip, and loaded him into the ambulance.

Community General was a little further than Mark would have liked, but Mark trusted the staff there and knew that was where Jesse would want to be.

Jesse slept most of the way, with Mark’s fingers intertwined with his.Steve sat by his head, still not daring to touch him.

Mark smiled at his son.“It’s OK.”He said, “It’s over.”

Steve was silent for a while, then he slowly reached out and stroked Jesse’s hair.

********

It was almost midnight before Mark was satisfied enough with Jesse’s condition to leave him and return to the doctor’s lounge where Steve and Amanda were waiting.

“How is he?”Steve asked the moment his father entered.

“Sleeping.”Mark said, sounding tired.He sat down at the table.“We ran some blood tests to identify the drugs in his system.It was amylobarbitone sodium.”He paused.“We also found alcohol.Amytal increases its effects.”

Amanda put a mug of coffee in front of him.“What about his concussion?Was anything broken?”

“No.Just cuts and deep bruises and a slight concussion.He’ll be sore for a while.”

Steve broke his silence.“I…er…” He stood up.“I’m just…going for a walk.”

Neither of them believed that, but they made no objection.They knew where he was going.When he was gone, Amanda looked at Mark.“Does Jesse know what happened at his condo?”

Mark shook his head.

“When are you going to tell him…about Jule?”

“Soon.”Mark said.“I don’t think it should be now.”

*******

Steve opened the door of Jesse’s room and walked quietly in.Jesse lay on his side, breathing evenly.The colour had returned to his cheeks, but his face was marred with ugly bruises along his jaw.

Steve sat beside him, took his hands.His lifted his fingers to his lips and kissed them.

******

****

** Morning… **

Briggs was at the hospital almost as soon as the sun was up.Mark chased him away from Jesse’s room before he could disturb the sleeping young man.He took his frustration out on Steve, throwing angry questions at him over yesterdays’ events, warning him there would be an inquest into Devetti’s death. Steve had better have his story straight before that happened.

Steve felt no satisfaction out of knowing that Devetti was dead.He was too tired by everything that had happened in the last few weeks to feel anything much at all.

********

When Jesse awoke, tired and aching, he thought it had all just been a dream.He lay there, staring up at the ceiling, fantasising how he got there – a car wreck, a hit and run, a fall - anything but the truth.

Briggs forced his way in to his room, insulted little Mai and shattered Jesse’s carefully constructed illusions.

A man named Devetti had kidnapped, drugged and beaten him.And Steve had shot the man dead during the rescue.

Briggs pushed Jesse into making a statement, not giving him a moment to think about it.He told him that it would help Steve.No lie there, of course.Without the facts, and quickly, Steve was likely to be arrested for Devetti’s murder.

Jesse answered as best he could, with the huge drug-induced holes and half-memories in his mind.They frightened him with what they might conceal, and he wondered if he could live with the uncertainly.He was certainly going to try.He doubted he could live with the truth.

Jesse managed to keep most of what he did remember secret, knowing he could probably never bring himself to tell anyone.Fortunately, Briggs seemed to feel just being Steve’s friend was the reason for his kidnap.

When the detective was finally satisfied, he left.

Jesse’s hands shook from the interrogation and he jumped when Steve came in.

The detective smiled at him.“Jesse.”

Everything Carlo had said to him thundered in his head and he shivered.“Don’t Steve…” He murmured.“Not yet.”

Steve turned and left him to his ghosts.

******

Steve wandered back into the doctor’s lounge; feeling exhausted both physically and mentally.Too tired to care how much it hurt to have Jesse reject him.

Mark followed him into the room and poured him a coffee.He handed the cup to his son.“Give him some time, Steve.”

******

“You’re supposed to be sleeping.”Mark said as he walked into Jesse’s room.

The young man turned his head on the pillow but didn’t smile back.“Couldn’t.”

Mark frowned.“Where’s Mai?”

“I asked her to go.”

“I asked her to stay.”

Mark sat down on the edge of the bed, concern written plainly on his face.“Jesse, are you OK?”

Jesse scratched at the canula in his arm and ignored the question.“Why Mai?”

Mark went tense.“She’s a good nurse.”

“So is Jule.She’s a good friend too.”

The older man looked down at his lap for a moment, then raised his head to meet Jesse’s eyes.“Jess…Jule…Jule’s dead.”

Jesse went still.

“There was an explosion at your condo, just after you were kidnapped.She was inside.”

He didn’t react at all.Mark frowned.He knew just how much Jesse had loved her.And if what Amanda thought was true…

“Jesse, I’m sorry.”

Slowly he put his arms around the young man.Jesse was tense at first, as if the comfort wasn’t being offered.But after a long moment, he gradually relaxed.

When Mark looked again, Jesse was sleeping.

********

****

** Night… **

Amanda glanced across at the sleeping detective lying on the sofa in the doctor’s lounge before getting up.She walked quietly along the passages to Jesse’s room.

She slipped in and was surprised to see him out of bed, standing by the window, staring out.

“Hi.”She came to stand at his side and watched his profile.“You should be sleeping.Or at least still in bed.”

“Can’t sleep.And I’ve had enough sedative to last the rest of my life.”He sighed.“I was thinking about Jule.”

“She didn’t suffer, Jesse.”She heard herself lie.If Jesse recognised it as one, he didn’t react.

“I asked her to stay with me.And she died because of it.”

“She died because of Devetti!”She turned him to face her.“I know you didn’t let Steve beat himself up over Nathan’s death, and I’m not going to stand here and listen to you do the same!Devetti killed Jule, not you!”

He flinched at mere mention of Devetti’s name and it didn’t escape her notice.She sought a way to ask what had happened to him in that cabin, tried to find words that wouldn’t cause him pain.Before she could, he spoke again.

“Did you do her autopsy?”

Amanda frowned, “what?”

“Jule’s…”

She crossed her arms, but before her conscience could war with her medical ethics, Jesse said the words for her.

“I know she was pregnant.”

Amanda touched his arm.“Was it…yours?”

“Mine?No-no…” he stepped away, “she was dating this guy…Arthur something.Had a really big nose.”

“There was another body with hers.It’s yet to be identified.”

“It’s probably him.”Jesse walked over to the bed and sat down.Amanda helped him put his legs up and tucked the blanket around.

“Amanda, I wanted to ask you… I’m gonna need some place to stay when I get out of here and I was hoping….”

“I think Mark’s assuming you’ll stay with him.”

“Yeah, and Steve…” he sighed.“Look, Amanda. Please?”

She crossed her arms at the sight of his little lost puppy routine.“Well, I needed a new sitter for CJ anyway.”

******

_ Gay…. Gay…. Gay…. Gay…. _

The embryo’s heart beat.The sound surrounded him.

He was being touched.Hands everywhere…

_ “Ever been with a man?”  _

His skin crawled…

The embryo engulfed in flames…

_ “It hurts.Like your bein’ ripped open.” _

A woman screamed in pain.Over and over and over and over….

Pain.All over his body, around him, through him…

_ “It woulda hurt so much.” _

JULE! JULE! JULE! JULE! 

_ “D’ya want me to show you?” _

Jesse screamed….

He opened his eyes and felt arms holding him tightly.A voice shushed him, hands stroked up and down his back.

After a long while, he realised it was Mark.

“I’m sorry.”He said, pulling away.

“Don’t be.”He replied, refusing to let go.Jesse leaned back and felt twin trails of tears run down his cheeks.

“Jesse, I think you should talk about it.If not to me, then to one of the psychologists on staff.Myers or Bates.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re having nightmares, Jess.As a doctor, what would you recommend?”

He fell silent.

“I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”

Jesse looked up at the man he respected more than his own father and wondered if Mark could ever hate him.

Mark watched him, his concern evident and comforting.“What is it?”

“I don’t remember.”The words tumbled from his lips.“Don’t want to remember.But I still want to know.”

“Know what?”

“The answer…” he took a breath, “but what if it’s the wrong answer?”

Confused, Mark shook his head“Jesse, I don’t understand.”

“I need…” he paused, corrected himself, “think I need…a rectal exam…”

The horror written on Mark’s face as the words sunk in hurt him more than he believed possible.“Oh, Jesse…Did he…?”

Jesse avoided his eyes.“I don’t know…”

*******

Mark held the young man’s hand throughout the painful and humiliating experience.After Jesse’s confession, Mark had taken him down to the small unit almost straight away.He hadn’t wanted to leave it until later, when it would be harder for Jesse and the hospital was on its day shift and far more crowded.

The results came quickly, that Jesse was fine.If Devetti had been intending on taking his severe homophobia out on Jesse in such an ugly and controlling way, Steve had probably arrived in time to stop it.The young man had cried with relief at the news, while Mark held him, blinking back his own tears.

Jesse made Mark promise not to inform anyone, especially Steve, what had happened.Mark gave his word willing to reassure him, even though Jesse knew Mark would never break a medical confidence.

Mark took him back to bed and watched over him while he slept.If his dreams haunted him, he didn’t cry out.

******

Jesse discharged himself the next morning, despite objections from Mark, Amanda, Mai, Steve and the sweet old lady who changed the linen.Amanda drove him to her house with CJ in the back, singing the scarecrow song woefully out of tune.

When they arrived at her home, she showed him the guest bedroom and insisted he take a nap.He was touched to see she’d brought him a number of shirts and jeans, and a whole pile of toiletries.

She left him alone to sleep, and came back to check on him half an hour later.She smiled at what she saw.CJ had climbed up onto the bed with Jesse and the pair was curled around each other, snoozing peacefully.

*******

****

** Three days later… **

Steve got out of his truck and stood staring at Amanda’s house.He had not spoken to Jesse much since…

Since before Collins had died.Since the night they’d spent together.

Time, his father said.Give him time…

And he’d waited this long, hadn’t he?

He would have continued waiting, except for Amanda’s call that morning.She told him to come over, now and despite his asking, she wouldn’t say why.Her urgency had been real though and he’d swallowed his misgivings.

Steve walked up to the front door and knocked.CJ opened it and gave him a cheeky grin.

“CJ!”A very familiar voice yelled from further inside the house.“Your mom’s told not to open the door without someone with you!”

Jesse stopped his approach when he saw Steve.The detective stepped into the house and shut the door behind him.“I…” his voice trailed off at the sight of the suitcase in the hall.He looked up.“Jesse?”

The young doctor sighed.“I’m going home, Steve.”

“Jesse, the renovations on the condo won’t be finished for at least six weeks.”

“I mean, my _home_ home.”He smiled, “you know, mom and apple pie…well OK, I used to make the apple pie, but… Even thought about dropping in on my dad’s family but he…” The smile wavered a little.“…They’re moving house and he’s got work…”

Steve smiled back to reassure him, even as Jesse’s faded awkwardly.“How long are you going for?”

“I got about three weeks leave due from the hospital, so…about that, I guess.”

Steve took a breath, “we’ll miss you.”He wanted to add, I’ll miss you, but the words wouldn’t come out.

He was surprised to see Jesse smile, wholly and genuinely.“I’ll miss you too.”He said sincerely.“But I need to do this.”He admitted.“I need to think and I can’t do that here.”

“Jesse…”

“Not just you, us.But someone has to take Jule home and there’s no-one else.”

Steve nodded, understanding.But he couldn’t let Jesse go, not without knowing… “I love you.”He said.

A smile lit Jesse’s face and Steve felt his heart leap, but then the doctor’s eyes clouded with sadness.

“That’s what I need to think about.You and me…” He met Steve’s gaze.“I didn’t know if I could accept it before, but now…”

Steve couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to cup Jesse’s cheek.He didn’t flinch, but his discomfort was clear.

“Jess!”Amanda’s voice called from out the front.“The cab’s here!”

“OK!”He called back and picked up his case.He went to walk away, then paused.He put his luggage back down and turned.Steve waited.Jesse leaned in and pressed his mouth against the detective’s, long and slow.Then he pulled back.

“Bye…” He whispered and picked up his suitcase.

Steve watched the cab until it disappeared from sight, eyes blurred with tears.


End file.
